Ask Ella


Dear Ella,

No one in our family is looking forward to the seders this year. We even talked about each of us just doing our own thing at home instead of having our usual large family seder.

You see, our mother passed away, and this will be our first family seder without her. The woman who held it all together for us, the woman who made everything from scratch, who laughed while she served, who sang while she cooked, who organized and always looked beautiful at the table is gone. If we could just snap our fingers and “pass over” this holiday, I think we all would. Even the grandchildren are feeling the terrible loss. I don’t know how we are going to get through the seder this year. She was truly the matriarch of our family.

Heavy-Hearted Passover

Dear Heavy-Hearted Passover

Losing a parent is always difficult , but holidays are that much harder. Many grieving people will be coming together to try to go through the motions of what used to be a happy and memorable experience. You will be in unfamiliar territory, and none of you will even feel like going through the motions. No one will feel like celebrating.

Seders as you knew them will never be the same without your mother, and there is nothing you can do about that. What you can do, however, is embrace and honor your mother’s memory. Prepare the dishes she would have made and then talk about how no one can make them like mom. Sing the songs that she would have sung. Laugh, cry, talk, tell stories, share memories and make her spirit part of your seder.

This year’s seder will be like no other before it. Don’t try to make it what it can’t be. Allow yourself and others to feel the loss and embrace the values and tradition she put in place for all of you.

Keeping her spirit alive is how she will continue to be with you forever. Each holiday, birthday, and anniversary will be a time to remember. “Firsts” are the hardest, and you will get through each one in your own way. Don’t try to mask your feelings. Instead, embrace the help of other family members and friends.

This year, your mother will be seated at the seder table with each and every one of you, firmly in your hearts and minds.

Chag Samayach.

Readers may submit their questions to Ella at The CJN., email: [email protected].  But Ella is not a professional counsellor. She brings to the questions posed by readers her unique brand of earthy wisdom. Her advice is not a replacement for medical, legal or any other advice. For serious problems, consult a professional.