Dear Ella,

Three months ago, my son Joshua became a bar mitzvah. We had a kiddush luncheon after the service and a big party later that weekend. Josh did amazing reading the Torah and his speech was meaningful. His dad and I couldn’t be prouder. The uncomfortable part, though, is that a few people who joined in our celebration all weekend long have not given Joshua a gift. We’ve tried to let it go, but can’t. We’ve always given generously at their simchahs. How do we deal with this when we see these people?

Can’t Get Past It

Dear Can’t Get Past It

Mazel tov on Joshua becoming a bar mitzvah. Sounds like you’ve done everything to make Josh’s day special.

There are many customs we follow when making a simchah, and one of those is gift giving. People are always asking, “How much?” What if it’s just a luncheon? What if it’s someone not so close? What if I have 10 of these things to attend this year?

Giving gifts at bar and bat mitzvahs and weddings is customary, but some people just do not adhere to this custom. It’s a fact of life that I’ve seen over and over.

Let me ask you this: if you knew in advance that your invited guest will not be giving a gift, would you still have invited them? Was the gift the reason you wanted them to be part of Josh’s special day? Probably not.

In our society, it’s customary to give gifts. They’re often monetary, but they’re always an acknowledgment of the occasion you are celebrating.

In the end, you can’t control what others do. You can only control how you react to it. Do and say what you have to behind closed doors, but be thankful that you were able to give Joshua the kind of bar mitzvah experience you dreamed he would have and take comfort and pride in knowing that you’ve done the best by your son.

Others have to live with their choices. Try not to judge them. It may be as simple as they forgot, or they may have purposely decided they can’t or won’t give.

When you send out thank-you cards to those guests, thank them for joining Josh on his special day, and don’t mention anything about a gift.

Do I think it’s right? I do not. I think Joshua’s bar mitzvah should be acknowledged with a gift, no matter how small. Sometimes something homemade and personal is more special and meaningful.

The gift is symbolic and expresses to Joshua and to you that he is special and appreciated. It’s the proper thing to do.

Dear Ella,

I’ve been living with my partner for the last two years. We get along well for the most part, but no matter what we argue about, he needs to be right. If he feels he is losing ground in an argument, he leaves. When he returns, he’s fine, but I’m seething by then. Do you have any idea how I can fix this problem?  

Needs to be Right

Dear Needs to be Right

You are arguing with someone who needs to have control. This is less about you than it is about him. He’s not doing this purposely. It’s part of his personality. If he feels he’s not getting anywhere, he becomes frustrated. The next step that he can control is to remove himself from the situation. By leaving, he becomes the winner.

I would venture to say that the subject matter of your argument is not all that insurmountable, however establishing control in his mind is. It’s part of his personality, and he probably doesn’t even realize it. If you try to explain it to him, once again, he’ll be losing his control, and you can’t win. He may try to be controlling in other situations in his life as well.

If this trait is interfering with your ability to communicate, you need to look into professional counselling. Getting him to accept this would be a big step, as he would first have to admit there’s a problem.

 Communication is key to any good relationship. Hopefully the love you share will trump his need to control a situation, and you will both come out stronger in the end.

Ella’s advice is not a replacement for medical, legal or any other advice. For serious problems, consult a professional.