Friday is Tu b’Av, the 15th day of the month of Av, a minor holiday that has enjoyed renewed interest. Traditionally this was a time when the unmarried girls of Jerusalem would don identical white clothing and dance in the fields outside Jerusalem. The men would follow in search of a bride.
Thousands of years later Tu b’Av is now being celebrated as a time for Jewish singles’ events. But as Rabbi Susan Silverman notes, the Talmud’s advice in relationship to the ancient holiday rings true today. “Young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself. Do not set your eyes on beauty but set them on good family. Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain. But a woman that fears God, she will be praised” (Ta’anit 4:8).
Rabbi Silverman explains, “Today we live in a world that is status and fashion conscious, a world of beauty pageants and beauty ideals set by television and movies, and some synagogues are even described as ‘meat markets’ where one goes to look over the unmarried merchandise… The young girls borrowed white dresses so that the young men could not choose among them according to materialistic concerns. The Talmud teaches that women set the rules; the women admonish their suitors to pick not according to beauty, but by the good name of the women’s families and by their fear of God.”
There is no shortage of online dating advice geared toward a Jewish audience. Great Dating Wisdom addresses some of the eternal mysteries: “Does Love Conquer All,” “How do we know when to hang on and when to let go?” and “How to Survive Getting Dumped” (Some tips: learn what you can and move on, and resist the urge to wallow.) The SpeedDating article about “Inappropriate Date Topics” (pointedly illustrated with a can brimming with worms) has some words of wisdom: the goal of a date is to create an accurate impression of yourself. Admitting to personal disappointments, failed past relationships and the details of your family’s dynamics may be factual, but won’t paint a proper picture of who you really are.
Judaism has always prized the wisdom of our elders, so should love advice be any different, nu?
Even if you have found your bashert, don’t miss a lovely piece produced at the Los Angeles Jewish Home where 28-year old Jonathan seeks dating advice from the residents.
• Online dating? “It’s like kissing a paper in a magazine. I mean, what good is that?”
• Texting? “You know, I don’t know from texting. In my day, it was flowers and candy and flirting.”
• How do you know if you’ve found “the one?” “If you have a girl that you feel kind of mushy about and she feels a little mushy to you, the two mushies can get together and have a hell of a mush.”
Click on the video to enjoy the wisdom – and the ample pinching of Jonathan’s cheeks.
At the GenerationJ Relationships Archive, you get first-hand stories from a slightly younger crowd. In “I Wore a Wonderbra to the Matzah Ball,” Caroline Tiger tells of her first foray to a Jewish singles event after having avoided that kind of gathering for most of her life. The Matzah Ball is a Jewish singles event held on Christmas Eve. I assume you know what a Wonderbra is. And Caroline’s moral of the story: “I realized that Mr. Rightberg was nowhere to be found – at the Matzah Ball or at any other singles event… If I wanted to reclaim my heritage, I'd need to do so through learning about Jewish religion and history… If I wanted to find Mr. Right, I needed to be true to myself.”
The same site exhorts us (with its tongue tucked somewhat in its cheek) to look to the Torah to learn “The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife.” Some suggestions:
• Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. (Note: this will cost you. – Adam) (Gen. 2:19-24).
• Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30).
• Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity – Solomon, who had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (I Kings 11:1-3).