Following a dearth of Jewish talent at the latest Olympic Games in Pyeongchang, South Korea, the Jewish Olympic Organization for Sport (JOOS) is advocating for more Yid-friendly athletic disciplines.
“Jews typically don’t perform as well as goyim in the traditional physical competition, so we’re gently nudging the IOC (International Olympic Committee) to include new events in which Jews might be better represented,” said JOOS chairman Bill Goldberg.
Foremost among the proposed additions JOOS would like the IOC to consider is speed-reading. “We’ve already found our champion,” crowed Goldberg, holding up a framed picture of Moshe (Motor Mouth) Meyer. “After scouring early morning minyans, we knew our search was over once we heard him blow through Shacharit. We were out of there in 20 minutes! He was so fast it was as if he were mumbling the whole time! He would definitely bring home the gold.”
Goldberg said he also has high hopes the IOC will accept his group’s submission to add kvetching to the list of events for the upcoming 2020 games in Tokyo, noting that the summer heat and inevitable language barriers will give alter-kackers an abundance of ammunition.
“The idea for kvetching was originally suggested by B’nai Brith,” added Goldberg. “They said, ‘This is where we’ – meaning Jews – ‘really shine.’”
Much like figure skating, the new sport would feature individual and couples competition and be scored according to technical skill (difficulty and execution of complaint) and presentation (artistry in making the judges feel the competitor’s outrage).
So far, the top contender for representing all of Judaism in the event is 82-year-old Debra (The Grouse) Eisenstat. Eisenstat declined to comment for this story, stating, “I just became a great-grandbubbe for the third time. You want me to waste my energy on your little article?”
Her husband, Michael, who would compete as her partner in pairs griping, was a little more accommodating. “She can complain with the best of them!” he bellowed, beaming proudly.
To increase its chances of success, JOOS is also pitching a more traditional endurance sport, though with a bit of a twist, to the Olympic committee. “Marathon knitting will combine the speed and stamina required by classic athletics with the dexterity needed to produce an ugly Hanukkah sweater for your loved ones,” said Goldberg. “If the IOC likes the idea, we may even try to recommend an alternative decathlon, featuring various types of needlecraft, like crochet, embroidery, quilting and the like.
“Our standard-bearer for those events, if they get implemented, would be Golda Zahavy. She’s so proficient that her high school added a rule in its student handbook against knitting in class – not because of the noise from the needles, but because her projects would get so large within a one-hour class that they reached the floor and became a tripping hazard for other students.
“We’re confident she’d be at the top of the podium. After all, both her names mean gold, so she must have the Midas touch.”