Well, it’s that time of year again – chametz liquidation season, otherwise known as Passover. That period of spring cleaning where we remove any and all traces of the filthy bread leavening process and leave in its stead endless trails of cracker crumbs and door posts smeared with lamb’s blood. Spic and span, folks. Thanks, Mr. Klein!
SPRING CLEANING FOR PESACH? YOU NEED MR. KLEIN.
But never ye mind the trail of crackery, for Passover brings with it much more important things, namely its crown jewel – the seder. We of course have two of these, helping to strengthen the flailing Passover economy and making sure that if you futz it up one night, you can get it right the other (take it easy on the Mani, will ya?).
Now, this one is going to be particularly hard for us Canadians, since there are absolutely no Canadian teams to watch in the NHL playoffs this year somewhere around maggid on an extended trip to the toilet. As good people though, we have learned from Passover it is important to let our people go, and thus we have agreed to let the majority of Canadian players wear playoff Omer beards on U.S. teams (a shandeh, but nu, what can you do?).
Anyway, if you’re like us, you recognize that in modern times, Passover can very much be a figurative exploration of freedom and tolerance, so doing the Haggadah by the book, as it were, now becomes open to some degree of 21st century interpretation.
See the latest YidLife Crisis Pesach episode to see this in its fullest form – #NSFMB (Not Safe For Most Bubbies).
This leads to the proverbial YidLife Crisis – which rituals and elements of the Haggadah are worth keeping and which ones are worth “Passing Over”? Fear not, as we want to provide you with some of the highlights of our very own YidLife Crisis Haggadah for your usage:
The YidLife Crisis Seder – step by step tips from the living greats
1. Kadesh – Feel free to silently praise that for which you are most grateful in whatever language you choose. Our personal choice: Bill Murray, in Aramaic. To each their own.
2. Urchatz – In the YidLife Crisis seder, hand sanitizer is perfectly acceptable, so long as you make sure to sanitize your hands before delivering the hand sanitizer. Be careful about talking in this time frame – anything you say while in the process of cleaning your hands can and will be used against you.
3. Carpas – Fun fact: Why bother with celery? Go for a pickle. Don’t hold back. Symbolically, we were once in a pickle in Egypt. Now, let the pickle be within us.
4. Yachatz – The figurative YidLife Crisis seder sees this more as a breaking up in general, so you can achieve this by breaking up with your spouse, and in lieu of hiding the afikoman, hiding your holdings in Panama. After all, doesn’t Mossack Fonseca sound like a cherished historical imprint of a Sephardic Haggadah?
READ: FROM ALASKA TO ETHIOPIA: PASSOVER SEDERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
5. Maggid – This is the meat and potatoes, figuratively, before getting the payoff – the meat and potatoes literally. So it’s important to go into this stage of the marathon with oomph, and build appetite for the meal. We not only encourage four questions from the youngest in the room, but also additional questions from the second and third youngest in the room, like, “What makes her so special?” and “Was I also an accident, mom and dad?”
Fun Maggid Game Tips:
Feel free to come up with your own proprietary contractions of plagues. E.g. rabbis Leizer and Chaimie were known to have contracted the plagues into the following nonsensical acronyms: Machash, Gevosh, Dachitz, Khardash. (Rabbis Leizer and Chaimie were also known to have contracted some of the plagues. Prognosis negative.)
1. Rachtzah – Sanitizer is once again fine for cleaning, but, symbolically, voluntary disclosure with tax agencies is also accepted at this point in the seder (Fun fact: they have a 24-hour hotline).
2. Motzi Matzah – Eat the matzah and this time try to taste it. Still nothing, eh? Stands the test of time.
3. Maror – If it is hard for you to eat bitter foods, full season recaps of the 2015-16 Habs or Leafs are perfectly accepted alternatives this year.
4. Korech – We don’t know why anyone hasn’t tried lean smoked meat between two pieces of matzah, but God willing, you will this year.
5. Shulchan Orech – Ya made it buddy! Open up your belt, catch up on those wine glasses and celebrate your improbable success. While the weak lay passed out next to you, you have earned your bounty!
6. Tzafun – The notion of matzah-as-dessert could make one so bitter that in the YidLife Crisis seder you are allowed to skip Maror the following night.
7. Barech – Here, you can say grace and give praise for this splendiferous meal. Or you can go to the bathroom after all that and thoroughly barech.
8. Hallel – Fill Elijah’s cup. Valuable cost-saving tip: Don’t wait for him to say “WHEN.”
9. Nirtzah – Congratulations! The bondage is over and you can return to your usual life of trivial work and mindless obsession with people’s responses to your social media posts.
Remember, to paraphrase the Haggadah, in each generation, we must see ourselves as the guys that compiled the first Haggadah, and figure out how to do it ourselves, optimizing the ratio of freedom and comfort to guilt, obligation, and family. Amen v’amen!
Check out Chaimie and Leizer in their latest YidLife Crisis Pesach episode here.