GUEST VOICE: ‘I felt trapped in my own home’

Growing up, I spent my summers at my parents’ cottage on Lake Simcoe. I have fond memories of this, since it was the summer vacation and I spent my time with my best friend who lived three cottages down from me. 

I liked to swim, and one day while at the beach, I met my now ex-boyfriend. I was in the water and he swam up to me and began a conversation. I was only 15 and he was 14. Although we had just met, I immediately had a feeling that this person was not right for me. I was totally disinterested in getting to know him, and although I was polite, I quickly made up an excuse as to why I had to leave. 

My parents’ cottage was a block away from the beach, and I went home. At the time, I was totally unaware that this boy was following me. Later in the day, I decided to go to my friend’s cottage, and when I stepped out, I saw him standing there waiting for me. I was flattered but felt a little uneasy. After a few times of him coming around and waiting for me, I tried to discourage him by saying that I already had a boyfriend. This did not deter him though, and he kept coming around and pursuing me. At the beginning, he was very nice and we started hanging out together.

I saw him for several years in the summer, and during the school year, we corresponded by mail. Eventually, he moved to Toronto to be close to me. We started dating, and after awhile, he asked me to marry him.

I declined his proposal because there were many red flags. He was rarely honest with me and we had many verbal disagreements because of this. He was never able to save any money, he was very prejudiced and in trouble with the law for various reasons. Even so, I remained friends with him. It went on like this for many years, and twice more he asked me to marry him. Eventually, I gave in and we got engaged.

I was naive, and in order to save money for our marriage, I suggested that we open a joint bank account, which he promptly emptied. This led to our breaking up and we went our separate ways for a year and a half.  We had no contact whatsoever, but all of a sudden, he contacted me the day before Valentine’s Day. Right from the beginning, he lied to me, saying he was in another relationship and just wanted to see how I was doing. I later found out that this was not the case. 

Now, for the second time, I caved in, and we again started seeing each other. I kind of felt it was easier to be with someone I already knew than to start over with someone else. Again we stayed together for many years, but this time, it was worse. Our arguments were more frequent, and now there was a physically abusive element to our relationship as well. I was very intimidated by him. At this point, we were living together in my house, and although I asked him to leave several times, he would not. Every time I asked him to leave, he told me he wouldn’t go unless I forced him with the police. He refused to go peacefully.

I felt trapped in my own home, and eventually, through a counsellor, I got involved with a group for women in abusive relationships. This counsellor also referred me to an agency called Act to End Violence against Women, where I met some amazing people who helped me from start to finish to extricate myself from this abusive partner. 

It’s now almost a year since I left my ex-boyfriend, and although he lives down the street from me, it is by far the best decision I have ever made. I feel so much freer and in control of my life. In total, my relationship lasted almost 38 years, and although I thought I would never get out, thanks to the wonderful support of this agency, I now have a future. 

* Lisa Rubin is a pseudonym