Erin Dym, Special to The CJN
When my husband and I first separated, I was in a state of shock. My seemingly perfect life was suddenly ripped apart by forces I never saw coming. I was 32 years old and had two toddlers. I didn’t know how to change a light bulb, never mind pay the bills. How was I going to cope with the demands of work, put on a happy face for my little boys, make sense of legalese and – the biggest obstacle of all – learn to date? There were times I was so confused and lonely that I cried myself to sleep. When I’d wake up in the morning, I’d realize that I hadn’t stopped.
But after a couple of months of allowing myself to wallow, I decided that enough was enough. Instead of asking, “Why me?” I began to ask, “Why not me?” I was not going to be a victim. My boys needed a happy mom, and I became determined to figure it all out. I made it my mission to rediscover myself, become more independent and self-sufficient, to live life, to take chances, and do whatever it took to make myself the best possible person and mom I could be. I wanted to become someone I could be proud of and admire – someone my kids would, too.
I started seeing an outstanding therapist. I relied on my family and friends for support. I began taking boxing classes. Who knew that punching something could feel so therapeutic? I wanted to spend as little time as possible being angry or resentful. I mentally put all my bad thoughts on a piece of paper, scrunched it up and threw it to the back of my head. I just let it all go. I started fresh. I learned to hire and fire babysitters, manage money, get raccoons out of my garage, take my kids on road trips, deal with flat tires and walk in heels. It’s been an amazing year. And I knew something good would come of it all.
Starting a support group with my friend Simone, also an amazing, inspiring single mom, was such a natural progression. Simone and I met early in our separations, and we became inseparable. When nobody else understood what it was like to deal with lawyers and finances and questions from our kids about divorce, we did. We were there for each other. We’d help one another pick out clothes for important dates, we met at the gym for stress-busting workouts, and had dinner play dates with our kids, dividing up the leftovers afterward so that we could each feed our little families the next day, too. We cried. We laughed. We laughed till we cried, and cried till we laughed.
Once we each had more than a year of experience as single parents, we felt ready to recreate this supportive environment for others. In April, our support group idea came to fruition as The Ex-Files. We decided that this wasn’t the place to bash your ex or be depressed. It would be a cool, fun group where single parents and their friends could get together, meet others, have fun and be inspired by one another’s strength.
We quickly got to work, planning a “whine and cheese” for May 13. We invited everyone we knew and immediately, the positive feedback started rolling in. There was no other group like it. It seemed we had found our niche. The cause really resonated. People donated food, drinks, prizes and helped make our inaugural event a success.
And was it ever successful. My therapist, Andrea Share, led a workshop for about 20 of us who gathered in my living room. Within minutes of meeting, there was an outpouring of raw emotion. It was like being in a reality TV show where everything was real, meaningful and gut-wrenching. I was amazed at how intimate and personal it became, how much we were able to listen and support one another. By the end of the evening, Simone and I were completely overwhelmed, but in the best possible way.
“I think that was really good,” I told my friend.
Simone smiled back.
“It was amazing,” she said.
Our next monthly event is a boot camp at Harmony Fitness on June 11 from 7 to 9 p.m. Visit our Facebook page for information about The Ex-Files, RSVP for boot camp, and stay tuned for details about exciting upcoming events.