It’s harder than ever for Jewish men and women to find their bashert, but when they do, the world is made a little more whole

Rabbi YaelSplansky
Holy Blossom Temple, Toronto

Rabbi Mark Fishman
Congregation Beth Tikvah, Montreal

Rabbi Fishman: One of the holidays on the Jewish calendar that means a lot to me is almost unheard of: Tu b’Av. 

The 15th of Av is a day of celebration signifying new beginnings, a chance to start over. In the Talmud, Rabban Gamliel states that Tu b’Av and Yom Kippur are the most joyful and important days of our whole year. 

The holiday originated from the Jewish people’s wanderings in the desert and symbolized the end of the 40-year decree that the older generation that left Egypt would die in the wilderness due to the incident of the spies who issued a negative report about the Land of Israel. 

Essentially, Tu b’Av celebrates an experience that allows us to part with old mistakes and begin afresh. 

Rabbi Splansky: The way you describe Tu b’Av emphasizes the link to Tisha b’Av, just six days earlier on our calendar. 

Our sages tried to provide a nechemta, a comforting, hopeful lift in the wake of the heavy blow of Tisha b’Av. After we lament the destruction of the Temple, we are given another chance for restoration and renewal.  

It’s a tough theology – the enemy could only breach Jerusalem’s walls and smash her gates because we invited them in. It may sound like blaming the victim, but the self-criticism that our sages demand is what makes way for a stronger future.  

The Jewish calendar stands as a reminder to the Jewish People even today: learn from the pain and earn your own protection and growth. 

Rabbi Fishman: The fact that Tu b’Av falls in the summer helps to remind us of the natural world. There is a real sense of exuberance that the great outdoors and nature provide. Yet in our search for happiness, philosophers refer to the Hedonistic Paradox, the notion that pleasure pursued for its own sake begins to evaporate the very moment we start to chase it. 

Joy has become a complicated phenomenon in our day. I think the words of Henry David Thoreau best capture this sentiment: “Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”

Rabbi Splansky: Joy is more Jewish than happiness. Joy is round and heavy. Happiness is shapeless and light. Joy is earned. Happiness just comes your way. Joy is appreciated. Happiness is taken for granted. 

Joy calls up a blessing, a ritual, the raising of a glass, words of thanks and praise. Happiness is overlooked until is floats by as easily as it came. Joy is profound, enriching and always remembered. Happiness stays on the surface of things and is, therefore, easily forgotten.  

Sukkot is joy. Tu b’Av is happiness.

Rabbi Fishman: In Israel today, Tu b’Av has become a cheap imitation of Valentine’s Day. People buy flowers and a card for those they love, and perhaps some chocolates, too, all in the name of affection. 

I’m somewhat cynical about one day a year standing as the true expression of love and belonging. While there is a world of difference between the forgetful spouse who rushes the order for 24 roses as opposed to the humble gesture of a daily flower picked with concern and thoughtfulness, I still see the value in a commercialized gift, even if it’s given just once a year. 

As our tradition says, it is better that someone should do the right thing for the wrong reasons, for ultimately it will lead them to do the right thing for the right reasons in the end.

Rabbi Splansky: Flowers and chocolate get me every time. 

Some are good at spontaneity. Others need the calendar to trigger expressions of affection. Rabban Gamliel added that on Tu b’Av, “the daughters of Jerusalem go out dressed in white and dance in the vineyards and say: ‘Young man, whom do you choose?’” Under the light of a full moon, new matches were made. 

It is harder than ever for Jewish men and women to find their bashert. On Tu b’Av we should all stop to think about eligible friends and acquaintances who might be good for each other. It might be embarrassing at first, but when it works, the world is made a little more whole.