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Can technology save Jewish romance?

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Eli Batalion, left, and Jamie Elman of 'YidLife Crisis'
Eli Batalion, left, and Jamie Elman of 'YidLife Crisis'

After months of Jewish dating site JDate.com suing its “hip” new competitor JSwipe, the suit was ultimately settled, with the older J buying the younger. Their union has kept dating on the mind. Well, that, and also our complete failure to land ourselves lifemates. That keeps it pretty fresh in the old noodle.

Look, matchmaking is difficult. Yente’s profession should be lauded. There are just so many personality components to match. If technology and the Net are now a critical part of mating, well, why not? We already use apps to hail cabs, curate photos and locate the nearest toilet (seriously, there are multiple options in the app store).

But is it good for the Jews?

The dating site ChristianMingle.com was started by a Jew (not to be confused with ChristianYingl.com, a dating site we want absolutely nothing to do with).  Noel Biderman, CEO of Ashley Madison, is Jewish as well. Clearly, there is a business to be had here, such that the Chosen People have chosen the “choosing” industry.

So what’s love gotta do with it? A lot, Tina, a lot. These apps are only as good as their results – marriages, relationships, good dating stories and horrible (read: fantastic) dating stories. Even casual relationships. Even business casual relationships (i.e. trysts while wearing khakis).

But at the end of the soirée, the question remains: does this stuff work in the fleish? In many cases, it falls flat. At least for us. We like our subscription services more on the side of Netflix (and chill) than JDate (and wait). Perhaps if we really want dating to work in the Jewish community for those of different tastes, we need to go more “niche.” (Or at least “niche” geferlach).

For example, how about Ashkenardi.com, a dating website dedicated to linking Ashkenazi and Sephardi Jews? It could not only bring the Jewish community together (and somehow bring Ashkenazi men together with Sephardi women wayyy out of their league), but also help cancel out genetic noise to make sure that the next generation is healthy, happy and mostly gefilte-free.

Maybe we need a JHate.com, devoted exclusively to self-hating Jews. Find your bashert and comfort in your perfectly equal hate for yourselves and each other.

But maybe dating is more than just m4w, w4m, m4m, w4w and j4j (Jews for Jesus). We live in an era of voyeuristic obsessions with child photographs on social media. Perhaps it’s time for someone to invent Kindr: swipe through examples of children you want your kids to look like. After all, why judge a mate by their looks when you can judge them by their taste in what their own ideal child should look like?

Finally, to save Biderman from the Ashley Madison shandeh, we suggest a new dating service called Asher Mandelbaum, all about Jewish affairs. It’s not what you think: we’re talking weddings, bar mitzvahs and brisses. This could solve the age-old problem – when you’re hungry or in the mood for a drink or company, there are no affairs. When you’re invited to an affair, you’re not hungry or in the mood for a drink or company. Let’s stop the madness and use the Net to set people with appetites up with events with excess inventory. #its2015people, #Iwroteacheckfor180forthisdrek? #makeithappen.

We look forward to innovation in the Jewish social entrepreneurship space to tackle this proverbial Yidlife crisis. In the meantime, the best we can do is hope that Yente finds us a find, matches us a match. And perhaps the merger of JDate and JSwipe provides us one of the great lessons to be applied to all prospective spouses – if you can’t successfully sue them, join them.

The Tachlis: We realize that successful dating comes from putting yourself out there. As such, we,  Chaimie and Leizer of YidLife Crisis, would like put out a CTY (Call-To-Yentes) and a RFP (Request-For-Pictures) to the grander Canadian Jewish community to find our bashert. Email to bashert@yidlifecrisis.com. We’re kidding (We’re not. Seriously. We’re not kidding).

Chaimie

Jamie Elman

Leizer

1796459_10153145209581821_3873807997557487958_n

Height

5’8

5’8 1/2

Height (indexed for Jewish benchmarks)

6’4

6’11

Beatles or Stones

Beatles (likes his Mick’s more Cartney than Jagger)

Beatles (on account of having all stones removed)

Stewart or Colbert

Offended by the question

Offended by the question

Idea of a romantic evening

Netflix and cholent

Lots of ideas, they just don’t apply to him

Likes his women

Juicy

Lean

Likes his smoked meat

Lean

Juicy

Likes himself

No

No

Likes his own Facebook posts

Yes

Yes


Chaimie and Leizer are Jamie Elman and Eli Batalion, co-creators of the world’s first online Yiddish sitcom YidLife Crisis.