A few years back, Mel Gibson was set to make a Chanukah movie, but it never happened. This alone might be proof of Hashem’s powers, if not insofar as defending the Jewish people, at least defending His script from a lunatic director – albeit a great one. (And, yes, reconciling that is a proverbial “YidLife Crisis.”)
But seriously: it’s lunacy that we still haven’t cooked up an oily blockbuster for Chanukah. The truth is, we suck when it comes to marketing our very own brand: Judaism.
We at YidLife Crisis are humbly doing our bisl to change this. You’re welcome.
On that note… do we have a Chanukah picture for you!
Picture it: Sicily, 1943. (Wait, no, that’s us channeling Estelle Getty. Backtrack…)
Picture it: Judea, 200 B.C.E. In a time of Hellenistic influence, secular Jews entranced by implanted Greek culture shake the foundations of tribal Jewish identity in Israel. (Sound familiar? Picture us, but in togas. Actually, best not do that.) Enter a hardy family of rebels who take things into their own hands. Their name? Maccabees (technically, Hasmoneans, but Maccabees rolls nicer off the tongue).
WATCH: An interview with Jamie and Eli from YidLife Crisis
OK, here’s where it gets fun: we think there’s a huge opportunity to play off the dual hot topics of mega-bearded hipster hunks and mega-bearded religious fundamentalists – and give them all washboard abs – wait for it – dripping in eight days of oil. We’re thinking 300 meets Fiddler, or Twilight meets Sunrise/Sunset, where we have a few young male stars take over ancient Israel shirtlessly and shamelessly. We’d round up a few Jewish names – Jake Gyllenhaal works out nicely as a ripped halfie. Definitely throw in Zak Efron. Miles Teller’s been working out, get him in there. Who else? Let’s get an NFL endorsement with Julian Edelman, and he will literally close the film running a pigskin out of the Temple.
What of Antiochus? Throw in Alan Rickman and we’ll truly have a minyan on set.
A proper Greek could work too: Zack Galifianakis in an Oscar-worthy performance where he flips to the other side (from comedy to serious roles. And conversion to Judaism, because why not?).
And the title? Days is big now, like 8 Days, or 8 Days Later. Maybe something with Fire in it, like Flames of our Fathers or the hip-hop tinged 8 Daze of Blaze. Acronyms are huge, so we might go with N.G.H.S. (Ness Gadol Haya Sham). And yes, it’ll play in Israel as N.G.H.P.
Unconvinced? Fine, we can go the Disney route and create the Maccabees as a collection of adorable bearded bees. Link in a cross promotion with Seinfeld’s Bee Story, and now we’re selling small plastic LED chanukiyot as part of the first ever Glatt Kosher Happy Meals (rebranded “Reluctantly Satisfied Meals”). The possibilities are endless.
We think we’re onto something here. But the grander, tragic problem is that few Jews would dare put something so “Jewish” onscreen. At least, there remain a few players who don’t divorce themselves from their heritage. Spielberg and Weinstein could have changed their names to Lord Stephen Peel and His Honourable Harvard Winetasting, but didn’t, proving they still have the proverbial beitzim to bring Jewish tales to screens.
If you ask us, it’s time we “owned” our Judaism and broadcasted it. So, Steve, Larry, if you’re listening: make this movie. Run with it. A Chanukah gift, if you will. We ask only to play the comedic relief of two Hellenists, the Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern of ancient Judea. We were meant to play the Bad Jews, plus did you see how enraptured we are with souvlaki in last year’s Chanukah episode?
Hey, it’s the least we can do to help (ourselves).
WE’RE WELCOME!
Chaimie and Leizer are Jamie Elman and Eli Batalion, co-creators of the world’s first online Yiddish sitcom YidLife Crisis.