Aries
This is the month you will find your future spouse. So keep your eyes peeled. They could be anywhere. At your nephew’s bris, at your zayde’s shivah, at your cousin Anita’s “late-in-life” bat mitzvah. Maybe you strike up a conversation at the bris about the hours you think it would take to learn to perform the perfect circumcision. Perhaps at the shivah you discuss that playing “I Know What you Want” by Busta Rhymes during the funeral was a surprising clause in the will. At Anita’s bat mitzvah, confide in each other that you both feel like 38 is a weird age to decide you want to be bat mitzvahed, but it’s even weirder that she only invited 13-year-olds.
Taurus
This month you will lose your house keys. Don’t be afraid. The universe wants you to find them. Did you check your purse? You did, OK. What about the pockets of the last jacket you wore. That’s OK, remain calm. Did you check the little tote that you keep inside of your purse? Try there. It’s not there, I see. What about the front hall table? What about the musical jewelry box that you keep in the tote bag that you keep in your purse? Could you have left them in the door? You didn’t check with the prince who was cast by a witch’s spell to spend eternity inside a musical jewellery box that you keep in your tote that you keep in your purse? Did you check with his second secret family? Did you check with the witch? Oh, they were in pockets of the fourth most recent jacket you wore. I knew that the whole time.
Gemini
Gemini, guess what? This month you will inherit a large fortune from an older relative who passes away. This will lead to many splendours: trips around the world, grand balls at your Rosedale mansion, backstage passes to the only band that has ever spoken to you on a soul level: B44. You will also be exonerated.
Cancer
Cancer, this month is about your sexual awakening. Summer is nearly here which means it’s almost time for summer camp. This summer is a big one. It’s your C.I.T summer. You’ve spent the last eight months practising everything you can with your body pillow, and the time to show off your prowess is neigh. Just a quick heads up though, as I am almighty and in control of the universe, I decided to change a bunch of things about sex right before camp starts. Listen, sometimes I get bored and I need to change things up. First base is now an icing, second base is now a backhand-job and third base is now a triple axel. Good luck.
Leo
You will find your future spouse this month, Leo. They are hiding just under your nose. Perhaps they are at your second cousin once-removed’s bris, at your Bubbie’s brother’s shiva, at your second cousin Anita’s “late-in-life” bat mitzvah. Perhaps you can strike up a conversation at the briss about how it should only be fair that the baby get to remove something of value from the moil, a trade of sorts. At the shiva, talk about how weird it is that you’ve seen each other at family-based events twice now. At the late-in-life bat mitzvah, chat about how much you have in common. You both have a great-grandparent named Yoidel Yoidelbaum? How whimsical!
Virgo
The earth will have a strong gravitational pull for you this month, Virgo. You will feel that pull very strongly. You can try your best to fight it, but Mother Earth never loses battles such as this. Let the earth pull you. Further, deeper, further south, warmer, towards the light. Once you let go and let things occur in their natural order, you will finally find yourself where, in some ways, you have always been: Florida.
Libra
It’s important that you take some time for yourself this month Libra. You’re overworked and need a break from the hustle and bustle of the daily grind. Mother Earth suggests you take a trip an hour outside the city to my cousin Rich’s property, listed on AirBnb as a “Rustic Getaway.” If you love “Glamping” then this is the trip for you. Sure, the property is technically just an empty hot-tub and Rich will be sharing it with you, but you need a break from that city air. I also told my Aunt Jen that I would do this to help Rich out. He could really use the money.
Scorpio
While you’ll have many personal successes this month, you will find that the world around you does not reflect that. This month is a chilly one, Scorpio. Full of rain and temperatures below five degrees. So I think you should wear a rain jacket. I know it’s sunny right now, but once you’re out and it starts raining you’ll wish you had worn a jacket.
Sagittarius
Jupiter is ovulating and Saturn is playing poker, which means May is going to be a chilly, rainy month, even if you can’t see that right now. You don’t even need to wear the jacket, can just throw it in the bottom of your bag, you won’t even notice it’s there.
Capricorn
This month will present you with a great opportunity at work. Seize it. Also, I put the raincoat in your bag when you weren’t looking. I rolled it up tightly so it’s like it’s not even there. But it is there and you can use it should you need to.
Aquarius
This month will be one filled with wish fulfillment. You will buy your dream house. You’ll meet your birth parents. You’ll finally master winking. But you won’t enjoy any of it because you’ll be dripping wet in a light sweater not meant to withstand the rain.
Pisces
This month you become a woman. In spite of what everybody is saying about you: that 32 is too old to be bat mitzvahed, that it’s not customary for the bat mitzvah girl to perform a meticulously choreographed tap dance before her haftorah, that your bat mitzvah is the reason that two second cousins ended up getting married, this is your day.