At the behest of my many, many fans, I recently decided to become more social media savvy. And fear not, dear reader: I kept a journal.
Day One: I open Facebook and Twitter and share a drunk cat video. Eighteen people “like” it. I learn what a hashtag is. I spend eight hours trying to reach the “end” of my Facebook feed. Get mocked for not knowing what Snapchat is.
Day Two: … is really still Day One, because I forget to sleep. Overnight, I sign up for Snapchat and Instagram. I reach 1,000 Facebook friends. My wife wakes up and points out that our infant son has been crying for 20 minutes. I explain that I was busy arguing over the pronunciation of “gif.”
I accidentally share an article about someone with a political opinion. Chaos ensues: messages, retweets, subtweets, comments, likes, etc. Get mocked for not knowing what Flickr is. Retweet the Pope.
Days 3-5: Sign up for Flickr. Discover Pinterest, Vine, Periscope. Start to feel overwhelmed by the constant flow of information on all my social media feeds and anxious whenever I’m not up to date. I open four windows side by side on my screen.
After 61 hours without a bathroom break, common sense overtakes me: I have everything on my phone! Problem solved!
Day Six: Sleeping was a good idea. Next time I’ll get out of my chair, but still, it’s progress.
I spend the first four hours of the day replying to 231 messages in seven inboxes. I send my 100th tweet, a Pinterest link to a Vine explaining the difference between a Facebook group and a Facebook page. I “like” an inspirational quote from Abraham Lincoln, which I later learn was actually said by Gary Busey.
My wife communicates via tweet, even when we’re together. She says it’s the only way to get my attention. She reminds me that our son has started walking and I might want to check it out. I remind her I’m also on Google+.
Day Eight: I send my 1,000th tweet, featuring a Tumblr dedicated to antique fire hydrants. I confuse “Followback Friday” with “Throwback Thursday.” I’m widely mocked.
— Kaore Bonell (@Kaore) June 10, 2016
I post a video of kitchen hacks and add four snaps to my story.
My wife and I go out to dinner. I Instagram pictures of the food, which is cold by the time I crop the pictures and choose a filter. We both agree it would have been delicious. On the way home I hit three parked cars. (Don’t Yelp and drive.)
Day Nine: Getting the hang of this. I Vine a screencap of my Periscope viewers to my AMA. My memes are deeply ironic. Turn away from Twitter momentarily and miss 1,300 tweets. Anxiety returning, I order a second monitor and share an article about gluten poachers. I discover Reddit.
Days 9-19: Reddit.
Day 19: Still on Reddit. I forgot about this whole “keeping a journal” thing. Also hygiene.
Day 26: It takes 21 hours a day to stay in the loop, but I’m in it and I’m not going anywhere. I reach 100,000 Twitter followers. I post as often as I blink. There are Tumblr accounts dedicated to my Instagram and a subreddit about my Facebook posts.
Sleep comes in tiny doses now, and when I sleep, I dream I am falling past an endless Facebook feed. I try to scream, but when I open my mouth, only emojis emerge.
The house appears to be empty. That occasional crying noise has stopped. Food supplies are low. I post my #potd, upset that my Vine had fewer loops than my Reddit post of that Instagram had upvotes. The scroll wheel on my mouse breaks. Pretty sure there were other people here earlier. I microwave some expired milk and log back in.
Wry Bread is a satire column from A. David Levine. Follow him on Twitter here.