Peace has finally arrived in the Holy Land.
After weeks of marathon negotiations and unprecedented concessions from both sides, a bipartisan consortium of international celebrities has succeeded in brokering a historic peace treaty that has been embraced by Israeli and Palestinian leaders.
“This is a crucial accord, unrivalled in complexity, outstanding in both scope and nuance,” said Roger Waters, former lead singer of Pink Floyd and chief negotiator on the issues of taxation and marine rights.
“I could not be more proud of my colleagues on both sides of the table.”
Even before Palestinians and Israelis began the process of implementing the recommendations of the accords – destroying arms and expanding bilateral infrastructure – celebrations had erupted on the streets of Jerusalem and Ramallah and throngs of ecstatic citizens have come together in song and dance.
Tamar, an 84-year-old Israeli grandmother, wipes a tear from her eye. She says she has lost too many friends and relatives to a cycle of violence that she feared was endless:
“So many generations have dreamt of this moment, prayed for this moment. All who have worked for peace and all who will live in its bounty owe an eternal debt to One Direction’s Zayn Malik.”
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Although celebrities have long been considered the world’s leading experts on the Israel/Palestine conflict (as evidenced by their substantive tweets), many were skeptical that they would succeed where so many scholars and governments had failed, despite being steeped in the history and minutiae of the issues – but the unbounded joy that can be felt across the land today is a testament to the group’s dedication and diplomatic skill.
“Everyone has been making (peace) seem so hard to achieve,” said Penelope Cruz, spokesperson and star of Zoolander 2. “If you want it bad enough, anything is possible.”
“I don’t know why we didn’t do this years ago.”
“People were quick to discount our intellect, our ability to negotiate,” agrees radio pioneer Howard Stern, “but it’s important to understand that we surpass regular human beings in every possible way. ”
The eyes of the world were fixated on the secretive negotiations – which got off to a shaky start, after sources reported both sides were threatening to walk out over basic ideological schisms ranging from the lunch menu to the available brands of bottled water. Once these issues were addressed, however, the collective experience and education of the negotiators propelled the treaty forward:
A working group led by Roseanne Barr, star of She-Devil, and FIFA world player of the year Cristiano Ronaldo presented an elegant (and universally approved) solution to the issue of Palestinian statehood; Nanny McPhee star Emma Thompson and ur-Jerseyan rocker Jon Bon Jovi co-authored a white paper outlining a comprehensive framework and action plan addressing issues of settlement and occupation; using the Internet, Clueless actress Stacey Dash and Disney property Selena Gomez were able to resolve the right of return in under 90 minutes.
After signing the accord, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas embraced openly, calling the moment “the end of history, and the dawn of a new day.”
World leaders from America to Iran have expressed their unqualified support for the so-called Planet Hollywood Accords. Political observers have been quick to praise the plan’s intricacies.
“This agreement and the solutions it outlines are nothing short of genius,” said Henry Kissinger.
“In a lifetime of diplomatic efforts, I have not seen their equal. I wish to convey my most sincere appreciation and admiration to Javier Bardem, Jon Voigt, and all these dedicated celebrity diplomats. You have quite literally changed the world today.”
Among the ephemera of the moment, a newly formed artist’s collective, made up of Hamas leaders and IDF soldiers, has already started work on a statue, a lasting monument to peace in their time, to stand at the gates of Jerusalem’s Old City. Entitled Visionaries the work will depict Vanessa Redgrave and Joan Rivers, embracing atop a red carpet.
Wry Bread is a satire column from A. David Levine. Follow him on Twitter here.