Aries
Aries, this month is about absorbing lessons. A few months back, I warned you that my friend Sheila’s daughter took up jogging and tripped over a squirrel and almost died. Then you go ahead, and take up water aerobics, and what happens? Your contact falls out in the water and you nearly die. Just something to consider next time you disobey me.
Taurus
Taurus. My smart, handsome, PHD. This month is about lessons for you as well. The Universe told you to get your MD, but you opted for a PHD…in “The Study of Dead Languages and their use in current literature.” That’s just fine. The universe is proud of you. It’s just too bad that you’re not a real doctor because I could really have used a Valium after hearing that news. What good is being mother of the earth if you can’t get your hands on some Valium once in a while?
Gemini
This month, your moon is in Saturn and your Sun is in your dad’s basement. You know what this means: it’s time to do some emotional and literal cleansing. Take the month to rid yourself of negative energy, as well as negative toxic people in your life, as well as your collection of toy wrestlers. Frankly I really don’t care if you want to keep the emotional baggage, but you need to get rid of that “Women’s Butts and Sick cargo shorts” calendar or you’ll never find a spouse.
Cancer
This month is all about self-care for you cancer. Specifically, skincare. I’ve told you countless times to wear sunscreen even when indoors during wintertime because UVA rays are known to sneak into young people’s apartments at night to give them cancer. Well, summer is officially here and I don’t have to tell you what UVA rays do to you in the summer. Just promise me you’ll put on SPF 100 six times an hour?
Leo
Leo, you’ve always marches to the beat of your own drummer. Because you come from money, you’ve been able to afford a personal drummer for your whole life. Well, the gravy train is over. Your family money will dry up this year and you’ll need to find a real job for the first time. Can I suggest personal drummer for a rich family?
Virgo
Hey Virgo, I know you listen in on my one-on-one horoscopes with the other star signs, so I KNOW you heard me give that speech about sunscreen. And yet. You bring our tanning oil? In front of your mother? We might as well hold Shiva because you are dead to me. But in a much more real way, you’re literally dead to everybody because SUNSCREEN SAVES LIVES.
READ: JEWISH HOROSCOPES FOR MAY
Libra
Libra, this month is about learning to be less introverted and more extroverted. Host a party! Invite 6-15 guests and make sure to spend most of the time arranging seating, then re-arrange their seating, They’ll tell you “Libra, we’re all fine where we are. The seating arrangement is fine as it currently is.” Don’t believe them. Keep at it. Make sure this becomes the central focus of the party. Trust me. It’ll be worth it when you finally reach the perfect seating arrangement and the 11th commandment is bestowed upon you.
Scorpio
Yup, we’re back to sunscreen. Scorpio, you’re the responsible one. I thought I could trust you. Then I see that you bought SPF 30 and have been applying it once a day…in the morning? Have you ever heard the story from the Torah, about a little girl who didn’t use an SPF 60 or higher? That girl…turned into locusts. That’s right, locusts of the 10 plagues locusts.
Sagittarius
This month is all about leadership for you Sagittarius. Now that summer is here, it’s patio season. Only in the summer to people gather in groups of this size and share meals and pitchers….and are then expected to split the bill. Take charge. Don’t worry about the accuracy of the math or the fact that Randy undertips and Sheila overtips. Just pick a number, and have everybody pay that amount. Then leave. Leave and never look back.
Capricorn
This month is all about getting in touch with your more spiritual side. You’ve always considered yourself a cultural Jew, but now more than ever, you need to find the real Jew inside of you. Go to synagogue, say a prayer on Shabbat, call your daughter’s therapist and make sure she’s not saying anything bad about you.
Aquarius
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Summer. IS. HERE. The sun is no longer our friend. It’s our foe. Sunscreen is not enough for you young Aquarius, as you are an air sign. Wear sunscreen, wear long sleeves, build the world’s longest lasso and hook the sun into orbit and assert dominance by instigating a bar fight.
Pisces
Pisces, this month is all about finding your roots aka, your birth mother. That’s right. All of the other star signs are my natural born children. All but you. Your real mother isn’t the omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, mother of Earth Miss Tzimes. I can’t tell you who you real mother is. I mean, I could, I’m omniscient, but I’m choosing not to because I think it’s more fun if you have to figure it out on your own. I’ll give you one clue: she’s a shiksa.