Aries: This month is all about seizing life by your horns. Say yes to everything and be spontaneous. That reminds me: my friend Sheila Tissebaum’s daughter tried to be spontaneous last month by taking up jogging and she tripped over a squirrel, fell and got a scrape on her right hand and she’s right-handed so now her life will never be the same for the next three days.
Taurus: The universe wants you to focus on choosing a career path this month. Don’t feel limited by what other people expect. May the possibilities excite you, Doctor Taurus!
Gemini: Expect the universe to send you a lot of messages this month. Not every one is important, but you will figure out which are. If you can’t figure it out, it’s the message I sent you 20 minutes ago asking if everything is OK because I texted you 25 minutes ago asking if you want me to pick up that soup you like but you never got back to me and then I heard on the news that a Mexican woman had been rushed to the hospital in Melbourne and then I remembered how from some angles you look Mexican and how you were planning on going to Melbourne – remember a couple of years ago I said, “Melbourne seems dangerous, there’s too much wildlife,” and you said, “Yeah, but it’s beautiful,” which I took to mean that you were planning a trip to Melbourne? Anyway, please listen to the whole message and call me back.
Cancer: You will be on the receiving end of some hurtful stereotyping about your people. Take a proactive approach: when somebody makes the ignorant claim “All Cancers are rich and good with money,” pay that person off for their silence.
Leo: The universe is wild and out of sorts for you this month, Leo. Mercury is in retrograde, the Milky Way is in a fight with her stepfather, and Venus is taking night classes. This of course means that this month is all about stepping outside of yourself and walking a mile in somebody else’s shoes; that way you’ll know if those shoes are comfortable and offer good back support before you spend the money on a pair for yourself.
Virgo: Do you or someone you love need a pair of pants tailored? If so, you gotta go see my cousin Stephen Wortsman. I can’t recommend him enough. You can reach him at 1-800-THIS-IS-WHAT-SEAMS-ARE-MADE-OF. Say the cosmos sent you.
Libra: What, it’s not enough for you that your birthday should overshadow not one, but two High Holidays? Now you expect me to give you guidance too? Go to shul.
Scorpio: Did you listen to the message? If you don’t call me back in 26 seconds I’ll be forced to call the police and report you as a missing person.
Sagittarius: Use this month to forge business connections with people you don’t normally spend much time with: Christians. Use your knowledge of their customs to make them comfortable. For example, you could ask to see their Baptism burn scar or regale them with your favourite tale from the New Testament: the one where Santa is resurrected on Boxing Day.
Capricorn: OK the police are out looking for you. They’re searching for “A Mexican woman who doesn’t care that she’s slowly killing the universe that gave birth to her while the universe sits here dying of stage four worry.”
Aquarius: This month is all about learning to appreciate the little things you wouldn’t normally focus on. Specifically, that tiny mole on the back of your neck. Has it grown larger? Has it changed colour? Was it just a raisin you lay down on and is now stuck to your neck?
Pisces: There’s much whimsy in store for Pisces this month. On Feb. 24, a 42-and-a-half-year-old man named Greg will offer you a discounted price on lox at your local bagel shop. Most horoscopists aren’t proficient enough to make these kinds of boldly specific predictions, but then again, most horoscopists didn’t “accidentally” pound two bottles of Manishevitz to ring in the New Year.