Aries: This month is all about reconnecting with your past. Why are you no longer friends with Katie Appleby? Did you get into a fight in 1997? Her mother Dianne and I were friends for 15 years. I told you that already this morning? Impossible, I was having brunch with Dianne this morning. She and I went to school together for 152 years.
Taurus: Energy is best spent on your relationship this month. Work on communication. Tell your partner what’s bothering you. Be specific: “Your tie doesn’t match my eyes,” “You sound too much like my mother,” “You don’t sound enough like my mother.”
Gemini: You are currently in Saturn return, so be prepared to make nourishing, audacious choices. What about contacting that boy you briefly dated, the one with the handsome face but skinny neck? Michael something. Was his last name “Something” maybe?
Cancer: Take a page from the air signs and spend some time looking upward. Specifically, look up at the horoscope I wrote for Gemini and tell me about Michael. How long did you date again? You never dated? You just had a membership to the same gym but never spoke? Do you think the gym helped him bulk up his neck?
Leo: The first half of this month is all about moving forward: ask for that promotion, get a funky new haircut, buy a condo. The second half is all about moving backwards: get demoted, strain a muscle trying to push your hair back out to its initial length, move back in with your mommy. By the end of the month, you should be exactly where you were at the beginning.
Virgo: Saturn is at Appleby’s and she’s not pleased with the service, which can only mean one thing: let’s be bold. I took the liberty of inviting Katie Appleby over for Shabbat this Friday. Did I tell you that her mother and I went to school together for 450 galactic years?
Libra: This is a very dangerous month. Venus is in Palm Beach, which means the universe must bring you bad news: Katie moved to Calgary. She wouldn’t specify why and insisted that her grandfather’s funeral was neither the “time” nor the “place” for this conversation. I put “time” and “place” in quotations because, as a mere mortal, her understanding of time and place is so limited. To her, it was her “grandfather’s shivah.” To me it was “an appropriate time to probe her about the fight you guys had in 1997 and ask if that’s why she moved to Calgary in 2019.
Scorpio: This month is all about being pulled in many directions, some good, some bad. For example: Michael Somethingberg has been going to the gym to bulk up his neck; however, he’s been training improperly and accidentally bulked up his shoulders and chin, making his neck appear flimsier than ever by contrast.
Sagittarius: As we all know, it is the year of the winking cocker spaniel, which means you will experience a number of head colds over the next month. Don’t forget to revel in this special time of year where kvetching is not only warranted, but encouraged.
Capricorn: This month is all about letting go of the past, not clinging onto it like a buoy in a tsunami of regret and disappointment. Maybe you heard the news, maybe you didn’t. Katie Appleby is now Mrs. Katie Somethingberg. Their wedding was last spring and apparently it was “beautiful” and “free of tsunamis,” in spite of my greatest efforts.
Aquarius: The moon is in the seventh house, which means this is the perfect time to find love. Look for the person that complements you, not the one that compliments you. Apparently, Katie fell so hard for Michael because she was quite thick-necked. Her hope is that their kids’ necks will meet somewhere in the middle and be average-sized. (I don’t like giving universe spoilers, but let’s just say, when it comes to size, the two kids won’t be neck and neck.)
Pisces: Get in touch with your heart chakra this month by donating your time to a hospital. Sorry, let me rephrase that: You’re going to have a heart attack. Go to the hospital.