Shmuley Boteach, the American Orthodox rabbi and television personality famous for his frank discussions of sex and relationships, became something of a household name for his former reality series Shalom in the Home, which ran on the network TLC for two seasons in 2006-2007. Rabbi Boteach is now host of a new talk show, Divine Intervention, which premiered Feb. 22 on the Canadian network VisionTV and runs for 18 episodes. The show features the rabbi engaged in counselling sessions with individuals and couples, addressing subjects ranging from infidelity to parenting to sexless marriages.
How does Divine Intervention differ from Shalom in the Home?
Firstly, Canadians and Americans are really different. Americans are generally more open, less self-conscious and will speak more candidly about their problems. But the flip side is they may not always be as reflective. The people I was counselling in Canada had already put a lot of time and energy into thinking through their problems before coming to me, which made for very interesting shows. We could go deeper and get to the heart of the problems more quickly.
The premise of the show is that you provide counselling. What are your credentials to do so?
I think I have credentials that are time-honoured and tested. It’s called being a rabbi. A rabbi’s principal occupation was, historically, counselling, and I’ve been counselling people since I was 20 years old. I have thousands of years of Jewish values and tradition to guide me, which is what I employ in my counselling.
READ: SEEKING ADVICE FROM AN ORTHODOX SEX THERAPIST
What percentage of the guests that appeared on Divine Intervention was not Jewish?
I don’t quite know because we purposely don’t ask people their ethnicity or religion. It’s only come up if it was relevant to the person’s issue. The Jewishness in the show lies in the host, not in the guests.
Why do non-Jews seek therapy from a rabbi?
I don’t think they’re coming to get counselling from a rabbi but from me. I’ve been a counsellor and an author and a broadcaster for a quarter of a century. A lot of people know what I represent. I think many are coming to me despite my being a rabbi, not because of it. All religious leaders – rabbis, pastors and imams – today in the west are becoming increasingly marginal, so a religious personality has to convince people they have wisdom. I think people come to me because they believe I have answers. And these answers do come from Judaism. I take my Jewish identity very seriously.
What sorts of problems did guests come in with?
Adultery and infidelity were very common. People are bored in their marriages. I don’t think cheating happens to create pain, but because people are looking for something exciting. I think women feel neglected by their husbands, and when a new man shows them attention, they feel seduced – this is something I saw on both of my shows. Another common issue I saw was female depression, especially that of housewives. Women are more susceptible now to depression than ever before. They’re achieving near parity in education and employment, yet women today seem to be incredibly unhappy. There are skyrocketing rates of female alcoholism and pill-popping.
A lot of my shows feature women who have no reason to be unhappy: they’re in loving relationships and have kids. My own diagnosis is I think there’s an incredible assault on women in western society. They’re expected to be almost perfect. They’re not allowed to age or gain weight. They live with a permanent sense of inadequacy. They can never look good enough or run a household and have a job perfectly enough. It’s tough to be a woman. Men are judged according to one criterion only: how successful they are. But with women it’s also how are you aging? What kind of wife or mother are you? The top “sins” for women are these two very natural things: aging and eating. Something’s got to change.
How are you able to help them?
The difference between Christianity and Judaism is that Christians believe in the existence of a perfect being, but Jews believe in struggling beings. Our Bible is replete with flawed beings – like our forefathers, like Moses. The lesson I convey to people in my counselling is not to judge yourself by standards of perfection like Jesus, but by the standards of struggle, to ask yourself, “Am I in the fight?” It’s why Oprah was so comforting to women in America. She talked about hating exercise, and she didn’t look perfect. Israel means “he who wrestles with God.” We need to forgive ourselves for being flawed.
You’ve never experienced being a woman, yet you talk a lot about these problems you maintain are particular to women. Can you speak to that?
I think every counsellor is limited by their own experiences and identity. We all have to accept the limitations of our identity, but extrapolate beyond that and do our best to be empathetic. Your question presupposes that we’re not capable of empathy. We can never enter someone else’s soul, but we can find shared human experience. Women are my core audience – my publicist says they’re 60 per cent of my viewers – and I get their feedback. They tell me if what I’m saying resonates with their experiences or not.
You’re an Orthodox rabbi. Do the problems people bring you ever conflict with your Torah values – for example, when counselling people who are homosexual?
We had two shows on homosexuality. I’m Orthodox. I have a gay brother. I’ve been immersed in this issue since I was 17. I’ve written thousands of pages about Judaism and sexuality.
READ: DIVERSE YOUNG RABBIS HOLD DIALOGUE ON SEXUALITY
I think Judaism takes the wisest approach to homosexuality that is current in society: Judaism makes homosexual sex a sin, but it also makes lighting a candle on the Sabbath a sin. I tell gay men all the time, “There are 613 mitzvot. You have 611 left to fulfil. That’ll keep you busy.” It’s not a zero-sum game. Let gay men and women keep as many mitzvot as they can. But to judge them by one criterion and make them less Jewish or special or close to God as anyone else, that’s an abomination.
Do you support same-sex marriage then?
I believe in civil unions for all and marriage for none. Marriage is the most intimate commitment people can make, and I have no idea why the U.S. Congress or, here, Parliament should be involved. Gay couples should have all the civil and financial rights as non-gay people. But marriage should be between a rabbi and the couple. As a rabbi, I’m Orthodox, so I don’t perform gay marriages. I’m close to many gay couples, though, many of whom I counsel and regularly have at my Shabbat table.
Do you believe you’ve made Judaism more accessible to people as a result of your shows?
Many people have said, “Wow, how do I become a Jew?” I absolutely believe I make Judaism more accessible. My life’s work has been to make Judaism a light unto the nations.
Your ideas about marriage and sex typically frame the man as seducer, while the women is desperate to feel wanted or chosen by the man. How do you respond to the critique that your philosophy about relationships is outdated?
My response is we all want to be desirable. You may say it’s outdated. I say, show me whatever works. If people believe they have solutions that work better, let them promote those.
I don’t believe my way is the only way, although, for those who dismiss what they call old-fashioned, maybe they need to take a closer look at our society. The world as a whole is progressing, yes. We’re doing better macrocosmically, but microcosmically, we still have something like a 50 per cent divorce rate. In the United States, we have a prescription drug problem. So maybe it’s time to look closer at things people consider solutions.
I’m interested in whatever works that’s based on a moral and ethical foundation.