When Fran Saltzman lost her husband, Rabbi Steven Saltzman, in September 2014, her friend Patti Allen was a huge support for her. Now, says Saltzman, referring to a support group for widows that the friends have launched as a joint venture, “I’m sharing my treasure with the world.”
The group, called Going Forward, takes a holistic approach, offering support and tools ranging from guided meditation to dream work and mind/body awareness exercises, to help in filling out forms. It will begin with a six-week session, at a cost of $180, Sept. 15, at Beth David B’nai Israel Beth Am.
Earlier this year the pair ran a pilot program at Saltzman’s house where, toward the end of a recent joint interview, she fingered a delicate silver butterfly with folded wings, hanging from a chain around her neck. She bought the necklace after admiring it on another woman in the group. “It’s a reminder that at some point, I’m going to fly again,” Saltzman said.
Saltzman’s and Allen’s husbands were friends who studied together at the Jewish Theological Seminary. The wives became friends “instantly,” recalls Saltzman, who married her late husband, then spiritual leader of Adath Israel Congregation, in 2004. After Rabbi Saltzman was diagnosed with cancer six months before he died, she and Allen used to meet for walks.
“I don’t think you can get through widowhood with a healthy mind without getting help,” Saltzman said. “When you’re grieving, you’re in a fog.”
In the wake of her husband’s death, she was “pretty debilitated,” she says now. “Patti was like my angel.” As well, Saltzman took part in a six-week bereavement support group at Jewish Family & Child, but found herself wanting more after it ended.
She wondered what widows did if they didn’t have a friend like Allen, spurring her to propose a joint project to help others.
The women’s somewhat unconventional backgrounds add a unique slant to their new group.
Allen, whose husband Rabbi Wayne Allen led Toronto’s Beth Tikvah Synagogue until 2012, is a Reiki Master and certified Soul Coach, guiding clients through emotional clutter-clearing. She also has training in Gestalt and body-centred psychotherapy, and a master’s degree in dreams. As well, she has a certificate in bereavement education from the University of Toronto’s faculty of social work, an interest sparked by a dream some 10 years ago.
In contrast, Saltzman, who was the first Jewish female officer in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, serves as a resource for practical matters in the new group. As well, she brings first-hand understanding of what else might be needed.
“It’s a full-time job to finish somebody else’s life,” Saltzman said. Her own experience, despite being a “fed” (her term), was “overwhelming.”
She had to deal with legal forms, bank forms, federal and provincial government forms, and consulates (because her husband held American and Israeli citizenships). It was particularly stressful to “delete him off the planet” (from bank accounts, for example), she said. “I can’t tell you how that rips your heart… You’re the one to remove him.”
Saltzman said she is “a big believer in groups… That’s where you get your strength, from other people who are going through the same thing you’re going through.”
The test group that ran earlier this year had six widows between the ages of 50 and 65. “They happened to all be Jewish, but it’s not a requirement,” Allen said.
After the first round of six sessions was over, the two facilitators ran an eight-week course “to go deeper,” and then a final round of six meetings to explore “who [they] are without their partner.”