Dear Ella,

I have a very close circle of friends. Janice, one of my dearest friends, broke up with Josh more than a year ago, but they remained close, and he has become an important member of this circle.

A couple of months ago, Josh’s mom passed away. Since this incident, Josh and I have become closer. I lost my mother last year, and this common grief has bonded the two of us. It’s obvious that Josh and I are headed into a relationship that will extend beyond the boundaries of “just friends.” I have no idea how Janice is going to feel about this, and I love her dearly and don’t want to hurt her. I also don’t want to give up on what Josh and I have developed. It’s a very special relationship and we have become very close. I’m stuck and scared. Help!

Testing Loyalty

Dear Testing Loyalty,

Dating your friend’s ex falls into the category of a “dating grey zone” and there are no easy answers here. Your situation is a little unusual, because although Janice and Josh have broken up, Josh remains within this close circle of friends. This means that Josh and Janice were mature enough to put their breakup behind them and continue with their friendship. Often a relationship will end badly, and hard feelings and anger are left behind.

Don’t let Janice discover this through the grapevine. It’s possible that if you play your cards right, you will end up in the best possible scenario, with both friendships intact.

You must be honest with Janice. Explain how innocently your bond developed. Hopefully, Janice will be onside, but you have to prepare yourself for the chance that she won’t approve. In that case, you will have some hard decisions ahead of you. But even if Janice gives you her blessing, the dynamic of your relationship could change. However, you are not at that stage yet, and you may never be.

Often the best relationships are created when the two people involved start out as friends first. More often than not, those are the relationships that can truly survive the test of time, and it sounds like this is what you and Josh share.

Friendship is about honesty, loyalty, support and respect. Your circle of friends has already tested some difficult situations and has come out on top.

Readers may submit their questions to Ella at The CJN., e-mail: [email protected]. But Ella is not a professional counsellor. She brings to the questions posed by readers her unique brand of earthy wisdom. Her advice is not a replacement for medical, legal or any other advice. For serious problems, consult a professional. Ask Ella can now be found on Facebook.