TORONTO — Syd and Ellen Kessler say that the secret to perfect parenting is really no secret at all.
As authors of The Perfect System of Parenting, the Kesslers, parents of two adult sons, believe that imperfect parents can raise their children on the foundation of a perfect system – the laws of nature.

“Every action causes an equal and opposite reaction, and we show parents practical ways to teach their kids of all ages that negative reactions cause negative results, and positive actions cause positive results,” Syd Kessler said in a telephone interview.

Kessler, a former advertising executive, is an investor in and mentor for new businesses, and his wife is a science teacher at the Toronto Heschel School, which she co-founded.

He said that “the principle of causality, that every action causes an equal and opposite reaction, is really a perfect law. It never changes, and by understanding that, you’re on the road to becoming a better parent.”

We need “weaponry” in our tool kit in order to remain in control of a situation, he said.

“If you walk in from work tired and hungry, and your kids demand attention, tell them you’re glad to see them, but you need five minutes. You can do it with love and kindness, and you’ve created a positive outcome.

“If you scream and barricade yourself, you will be an effect, for this is a reaction to the kids’ behaviour. You will feel like the victim who walked through the door, and your children’s behaviour is going to get worse. You have set in motion the proverbial downward spiral.”

The greatest gift humans were given was the ability to have free choice. “That is our majesty. We do not have to be an effect. We can can be in control of a situation.”

He advises parents, as well, to stay clear of the “love ambush – the ‘you don’t love me anymore’ line used by children, by letting them know [that a parent’s] role is not to receive love from [their children] but to keep them safe. Giving love and getting love from our children should not be our primary intent.”

Always giving in to a child’s demands is not the way to produce a positive effect, Kessler said.

“When you’re seeking our child’s love for your own fulfilment, only bad stuff can happen to you, and eventually to your child. This can [also] produce a negative spiral,” he said.

“Always ask the question: ‘What good will my next action do for my child?’ If it will do no good for your child, then that’s what you’ll eventually get back – no good.”

The Kesslers’ list of parenting rules consists mostly of common sense, he said.

Among other things, they tell parents to be consistent, remain united, be at the top of the family hierarchy, and make children understand that everything has a consequence.

“Parents have to make sure, however, that the rules, the reason for the rules, and the consequences for breaking the rules, are clear and understood,” Kessler said.

“Children need to know what behaviour is expected of them, and what is not acceptable.”

Kessler gives parenting seminars, he said, “because I am on a mission to share my information. It can be a dangerous world out there, because if you do bad, bad comes back.”