Dear Ella,
It’s taken me a while to get up the nerve to write this. I was hoping that once I got it off my chest, I would put it behind me. So far, I have been rehashing the conversation over and over, coming up with things I could have and should have said.

A few months ago, I went to my high school reunion. My friends insisted that it would be fun and they finally talked me into it. I bought a new dress, new shoes, got all dolled up and looked pretty good, or so I thought.

I wasn’t there more than 10 minutes when Sandy, an old classmate whom I hadn’t seen in over 20 years, came over. She was very excited to see me. She threw her arms around me in a tight hug. I didn’t remember being so close to her that she should have that kind of reaction.

She stepped back and said, “I see life’s been good to you. There’s so much more of you to love.”

I was speechless, and that doesn’t happen too often. Here comes the worst part. I said, “I’m doing well thanks, Sandy. How have you been?” I totally ignored what she’d said, thanked her, and continued being nice, when all the while I was crushed.

I haven’t been able to get that scene out of my mind. What should I have said to this woman? I still feel as if I want to call her up and give her a piece of my mind.     

Classless Classmate

Dear Classless Classmate,

People can be cruel, especially when they are covering up for their own insecurities. Sounds to me as if Sandy wanted to get her shot in before you had a chance to ask about or comment on anything to do with her.

Sometimes people can cope better with their own inadequacies if they make sure everyone around them feels worse than they do.

I know you think you handled the situation poorly, but in fact you handled it perfectly. You showed restraint and class. When you didn’t react in a negative way, Sandy was diffused. She didn’t get the reaction she was trying to invoke.

You can’t control what people around you do and say. What you can control is your reaction to it. By taking the high road and ignoring her comment, you gave no credence to her jab and maintained your self-respect. However, by brooding about it long after the incident is over, you have given Sandy her reward.

If her comment upset you so much, perhaps you have to look at yourself to see why you can’t seem to detach your thoughts from it. She clearly hit a nerve for you. You have put far too much energy into thinking up a revengeful response. Instead, you should be using that energy to dig deep and see why her comment had such a negative effect on you. Sandy may have opened up an underlying wound that needs to be healed.

Once you have the answer to that, you will be well on your way to working on your own self-esteem. The control is in your ball park – use this incident to improve your own life.

Readers may submit their questions to Ella at The CJN, e-mail: [email protected]. But Ella is not a professional counsellor. She brings to the questions posed by readers her unique brand of earthy wisdom. Her advice is not a replacement for medical, legal or any other advice. For serious problems, consult a professional.