Dear Ella,
I’m writing because we’re at our wits end with our 17-year-old daughter. She’s been dating her 16-year-old boyfriend for nine months.He is controlling, immature, unemployed and his family may be a bad influence.
Ever since my daughter hooked up with this boy, she has lost all but one of her friends, because nobody likes him. He has to know where she is at all times, and he calls her obsessively when they’re not together. This boy doesn’t work, so when they go out, she either pays for him, or he comes to our house. If I cut off her allowance, things get even worse, and my daughter becomes more depressed and angry at us. We’ve tried to talk to her, but she can’t see our point of view, and if we forbid her to see him, she storms to her room, slams the door, and cries. If we do let her see him, our rules are broken. Please help.
Teenage Trouble
Dear Teenage Trouble
Teenage years are the transition from childhood to adulthood, which means the way you have disciplined your daughter in the past won’t work now. Although she is still a child in your eyes, she needs to be dealt with like a young woman entering adulthood.
It would be a perfect world if we could make kids learn from our experiences and mistakes. Most of us have made our share. Your daughter has to be allowed to make and learn from her own mistakes. Your job as parents is to keep her safe, guide her thinking and keep the lines of communication open.
If she is being controlled by this boy, she may have a self-esteem issue. She may be lacking the confidence to set parameters for fear of losing him. This is where you come in. The values you instilled in her as she was growing up will come into play. Show her what a beautiful, worthy young woman she is. She needs be able to feed off what she sees at home and what she truly feels inside. Above all, you must let her make her own mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces. You must back off while staying closer than ever – the ultimate balancing act.
There are resources to help you and your daughter through this time, such as counselling, books and support groups. Don’t hesitate to use them.
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But Ella is not a professional counsellor. She brings to the questions
posed by readers her unique brand of earthy wisdom. Her advice is not a
replacement for medical, legal or any other advice. For serious
problems, consult a professional.