I hate to say it, folks, but things aren’t looking all that great out there. The news keeps getting worse, day by day, hour by hour. You’ve probably caught yourself fretting about how we may be hurtling uncontrollably toward the end times. If you haven’t, you clearly aren’t paying enough attention (or you’re on a really good drug plan).
Are you ready for what’s to come? Where do you want to be when it all crumbles down? Now is the time to assess your preparedness in case of the worst.
The good news is that, here at The Canadian Jewish News, we’ve been getting ready for the apocalypse for years. Today, I’m happy to tell you that we’ve got the situation under control. Rest assured: we’ve thought of everything.
Like any good Jewish tradition, it all begins in the home. As you begin to curtail travel into the increasingly scary outside world, you can count on us to keep you informed about the latest developments at home and abroad. Plus, starting next month, look for your very own CJN emergency preparedness kit in the mail. There’s clean water (not too hot, not too cold), IDF-issue gas masks, multi-tool utility knives that we personally hand-selected from that one army surplus store on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem that everyone goes to, as well as plenty of antacid pills, should the worst come to fruition.
And when panicked officials impose nationwide curfews, look no further than The CJN for help. We’re getting set to roll out two new services that are sure to please. First up is CJNTV, our all-Jewish all-the-time streaming platform. Instead of dozing off to another episode of The Office, you can snooze to the sounds of Shtisel or The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Watch out for our first original series, So You Think You Can Kvetch. (After the kids go to bed, the more curious may wish to indulge in our exclusive adults-only program Canadian Jewish Nudes.)
As the national infrastructure begins to crumble all around us, what are you going to serve for dinner? We thought of that, too. Get ready for bespoke food delivery, featuring a range of options sure to please – from kosher, kosher-style and kosher-adjacent to “vegetarian.” Hey, it beats throwing some elbows on the way to the frozen chicken aisle!
Finally, when the battle of Gog and Magog intensifies beyond the point of no return, and it’s time to head underground, you can breathe easy knowing we’ve got you covered – literally. Yes, at this very moment, we are completing construction of a massive bunker located below the new JCC in Toronto. (Did you really think it took that long to deal with a bit of “asbestos” and “mould”? You should give your Jewish communal organizations a little more credit than that!) There’s a room in there with your name on it – sign up now for early-bird pricing (rates go up after the Democratic presidential nominee is decided).
All your favourite CJN personalities will be there, too. Imagine this: it’s a lazy, climate-controlled afternoon 1,800 feet below the ground. You take a stroll to marvel at the 600,000 shining angels guarding the bunker’s double gate made of carbuncle. The couple down the hall has invited you to their son’s bar mitzvah, taking place in one of 100 social halls (now accepting bookings for 2036). On the way, you stop by the library, where Gil Troy is giving a talk about Israel’s unique ability to ward off the zombie hordes. After the simcha, you grab a fress at the herring buffet before heading home. Can’t you just picture it?