Happy 5776! On behalf of our rabbis, the board of directors and the entire congregation, I’d like to thank both you and your family for choosing to renew your membership for the coming year. Please find your High Holiday tickets enclosed.
As we approach the new year, we on the board of directors would like you to know that we’ve been listening to your insistent, uninvited suggestions, which is why, for the first time since 1971, we have voted against increasing this year’s annual membership rate!*
*Excluding the following rate increases:
• Inflationary rate increase (prime plus nine per cent)
• Building Fund fees ($495) for our new building (2020 opening)
• Building Fund fees ($199) for the building after that (2038 opening)
We’re very proud of this achievement, but we couldn’t have done it alone, and we’ll need your help, and the help of all our members, to make up the resulting shortfall. That’s why, on behalf of the board, I’m excited to tell you about some minimal fees, rules and opportunities that will be coming into effect on Rosh Hashanah.
Some new fees apply to smaller items, such as the use of a prayer book ($18) or bringing in an outside prayer book ($18), as well as larger ceremonial roles, such as opening the ark ($72) or being called to the Torah ($180). If offered, all honours may be politely declined ($360).
Searching for a perfect Rosh Hashanah gift for your friends or loved ones? Consider our “Get out of Sermon Free” cards ($1,800), or bundle it with valet parking and access to our new members-only Platinum Lounge to create a VIP Shabbat Experience™ ($2,499). Also included are priority seating and complete rabbinical absolution of your sins, courtesy of Rabbi Rosen.*
*Note: metaphysical guarantees may not be legally binding.
Synagogue parking will now carry a small cost as well: $72/car, $180/SUV, valet $250 + gratuity.
Additionally, in order to supplement our revenue streams while preserving the ideal prayer environment, the board has voted to levy the following fees: arriving late to services ($180), leaving services early ($360), snoring audibly during the sermon ($180), lavatory use during prayer services ($75). Late payment of dues will also carry a small penalty ($199 per week).
Daycare will now carry a small hourly fee ($79). In other daycare news, any child who has ever consumed a peanut is no longer allowed. Vaccinations no longer required.
These opportunities for growth don’t begin and end with fees: the board has also authorized the sale of naming rights to several vital components of our building. Donate today and enshrine your family in the physical legacy of our congregation! New opportunities include several lower floor hallways, decorative mezuzot, shoe mats (both entrances), replacement book tassles; individual low-watt LED bulbs for the Tree of Life, and the hand railing for the south side of the northwest staircase.
It is my pleasure to announce that the board has (narrowly) passed a motion that will allow us to add display advertising to our communal experiences.
Tired of advertising in our newsletter? It might be too late to reserve your space on our new rooftop billboards, which are booked through 2017 (the board was gratified to see our investment in neon lighting pay off), but you can still promote your company, event, product or simchah with a full-colour, floor-to-ceiling poster on any wall of the synagogue. Got video content? Add it to the loop playing on both of our brand new flat-screen TV arrays flanking the Ark. (Please note: no audio content will be allowed, out of respect for services.)
Wishing you and your family a Happy New Year, and, on behalf of myself, the board, and the congregation, you’re welcome.
UPDATE: We have just learned that our computer accidentally randomized all the High Holiday ticket assignments. You have my deepest apologies that you will not be sitting with your loved ones, or in your desired seats. Our offices will reopen after the holidays.