Home Perspectives Advice Sex – do you have to follow the rules?

Sex – do you have to follow the rules?

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Dear Ella,
I have three kids under six. My son Ben is the eldest, followed by two identical twin girls. I’m so busy that I barely have time to brush my teeth most days.I recently had that dreaded complete physical I’ve been putting off and I haven’t been able to forget one of the questions the doctor asked me: “How often do you and your husband have sex?” Ummm … almost never. I didn’t say that, I answered once a month, but that was a lie. The last time Allan and I had sex was when my mom babysat the kids while we went to Niagara Falls to see a concert and stayed overnight – over six months ago.

By the time both of us meet in bed, we are so beat that we update each other on anything important, kiss each other good-night and crash. I guess I have to admit that I’m in a sexless marriage. The weird thing is, I’m not missing sex right now and I don’t think Allan is, either – at least he hasn’t said anything. He’s a wonderful father and husband and is as busy as I am. Yet this can’t be normal. Am I deluding myself that we are happily married?
No Time For Sex

Dear No Time For Sex,

Life is about priorities. In a surprisingly large percentage of married young adults with children and demanding jobs, sex falls way down the scale of priorities. What moves to the top? The children’s needs, chores, bills, job security, health, sleep and, at this time of year, the upcoming High Holidays add a little bit of extra saturation to your already full plate.

It really becomes a problem when one of you has a strong desire to be intimate and your mate does not. However, in your case, it sounds like you and your hubby are well matched. Intimacy is not always about rounding all the bases. In your situation, it can be about cuddling, pillow talk and kissing. It stops being healthy when the lack of sex becomes a wedge between the two of you.

However, you should still try to schedule a night away whenever possible. It will rejuvenate your marriage and it’s an important part of keeping you both connected and healthy in mind and body.

Remember, as life changes, so do priorities. Your sex life of today may be very different than your sex life down the road. Stay honest and open to each other. Talk it out. Communication is paramount. Don’t let anyone pressure you into feeling it’s not normal. You and Allan are the only judges of what’s normal for your lives right now.


Dear Ella,
My older sister Lori has finally met a guy she is serious about and we are all thrilled. Alon is handsome, witty, fun and although no one can get a straight answer as to what he does, he says he makes a good living.

The problem is, they are all over each other all the time. I had them over to our cottage for the long weekend and their outward affection made us all quite uncomfortable. I wasn’t thrilled with all their touching, kissing, giggling and whispering around my young kids, either.
Am I just being a prude?
Get A Room

Dear Get A Room,

Just as with everything in life, public displays of affection have etiquette rules.
Of course it’s wonderful for the family to see that Lori is happy and in love, but there is a time and place for everything.

If they do something that makes you have to turn away or squirm in discomfort, a line has been crossed. It’s OK to hold hands or display affection in other ways, such as: stroking hair – but no stroking of other body parts; sitting close – but not on his lap, and definitely no straddling; and kissing – but no exchange of saliva. And whispering by anyone is just plain rude when others are present.

Trust your gut and if you are uncomfortable, say something, privately. Be nice, be supportive, but don’t be afraid to set rules in your own home.

Share and enjoy !